he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
