I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Randomize
