the condom got lost in my hair
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Randomize
