i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
