plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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