He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Randomize
