I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
