I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
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