He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
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