one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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