Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Randomize
