hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
