I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
