Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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