I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
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