sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
YAS. BRING CRAB.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
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