there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
