Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Randomize
