Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
