i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
