at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
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