broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
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