cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Randomize
