Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
These are all good points. But, I think your under estimating what it's like to be held upside down for a standing 69
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
