I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
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