Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
