Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
