Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
