you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
