Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
