id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Randomize
