We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
