NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
