I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
