oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
