I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
29 Petty People Reveal The Shallow Reasons They Turned Someone Down
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.