Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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