Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
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