Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
Randomize
