I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
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