this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Randomize
