We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
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