having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
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