I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
