I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
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