I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
Randomize
