i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
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