In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
Princesses don't give blow jobs
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
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