i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Randomize
