There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
