i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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