Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
