I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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