So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
