I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Randomize
