You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Randomize