I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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