you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
