She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
