he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
